Believe
by obeytherandomness
Summary: This is based off Believe by Skillet. Sherlock has finally driven John away and now he's trying to figure out how to get John back. But is John staying away because he wants to or is it because something is forcing him to?
1. Author's Note

This is the same Author's Note that is on every one of my other songfics, so, if you've already read it, there is no need to read it again.

This is a songfic, but it can be read like a normal story. If you have any songs that you would like to request that I do please feel free to tell me. I can't promise that I will do that song, but I will at least look at doing it.

This note is just to explain how the story works so you don't have to read it if you don't want to.

I have actually gotten in trouble for posting a songfic before and I don't want to get in trouble again so I decided to do songfics a different way. Every chapter is based on a line of the song so the length of the story depends on the length of the song. I will try to name the chapter in a way that lets you know what line I'm on, but I won't put the exact words up.

Because the chapters are based on one line, they will fluctuate in length. They can be short at some points but I promise not to make them too short.

Thank you for reading. I hope you like this story. Please Read and Review.


	2. How was I wrong

This is written to the song Believe by Skillet. I own neither it nor Sherlock.

* * *

It's been exactly 7 days, 4 hours, 53 minutes, and 5 seconds since you left and I'm still sitting at the couch where you left me. I've eaten, obviously, you would get mad at me if I didn't, but I haven't done anything. I even refused a rather interesting case that Lestrade came to ask my help on. It took him 6 days, 3 hours, 41 minutes, and 59 seconds to finish when I would have finished it much sooner. At least I would have, before…

John, you shouldn't have left me. I can't think without you here. I don't understand. I was a perfectly fine sociopath before I met you, but you turned my whole world upside down and then you just left me. Sally was right from the beginning. We never should have been together. We ruined one another. You made it so that I can't think about anything other than you when you're away and I made it so that…

You need to come back John. You shouldn't have left my side from the beginning. You're my blogger. You're my doctor. I'd be lost without you. I am lost without you. You shouldn't have left me. You should have known that I…

It's now been exactly 7 days, 4 hours, 54 minutes, and 10 seconds and you still haven't returned to me. What do you want me to do to make you come back to me? Just tell me. I'll do anything. I'll go get the milk even though I despise it. I'll make you as much tea as you require even though I have practically no clue how to do that. I'll learn about the galaxy even though that is absolutely unimportant to me and my job. I'll make sure to always know who the prime minister is even though that's not really my area. I'll sit and watch movies with you even though I hate to sit still. I'll stop insulting you even though that is like telling me to stop breathing. Breathing is boring. All of that is boring, but I'll do it for you. I'll do anything to bring you back because I was…

You are too sensitive John. You knew from the beginning that I wasn't the type of person to stop myself from speaking. You knew from the beginning that I insult all the idiots of the world, which is practically everyone. You are slightly better than the rest of them, but I made it clear that I thought you were an idiot during our first case. Even Sally warned you about me. You knew about me and you still stayed. Why did you choose now, when I actually need your company, to leave me? What did I say this time that has made you upset enough to leave me? What did I say that was so…?

John, tell me what to do. I am lost and I am bored, but I can't seem to move. Ever since you left me 7 days, 4 hours, 54 minutes, and 59 seconds ago, I have been unable to move from this spot. Mrs. Hudson has been bringing up tea and biscuits for me to eat, but sooner or later she will stop doing that and then I will starve to death because you won't come back to me. Or maybe I should go back to my drugs. I have some hidden somewhere, but I can't remember where at the moment. When I remember, though, and if you haven't returned I will go back to them. That should make you come back to me. John, why haven't you come back to me?

It's a bit not good to be threatening you with my drug addiction. I know that you have your sister to worry about already, but I want you to come back and I am willing to do anything to make that happen. Even if it means me going back to the high of drugs. I will do it. You know I will. I am ruthless John. I will do anything to get what I want. I want you. I want you back. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it.

I'm trying John. I've been sitting here for exactly 7 days, 4 hours, 56 minutes, and 1 second, but I still can't figure it out. You're always the one who tells me how to do these things. You're always the one who makes me thank someone for giving me a gift that I clearly don't want and will never use. You're always the one who demands that I apologize to some idiot who clearly deserved the insults that I threw at them. You're the one who deals with emotions like these. I don't know how.

I've been sitting here for exactly 7 days, 4 hours, 56 minutes, and 30 seconds, and I still can't figure out how to do it. I can't figure out how to tell you that I'm sorry. What I said, it was…

I can't do it John. Every time that I try to say it, it keeps being lost in my mind. How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to apologize for something that I'm not even sure that I did? Of course I did it. I finally said something that drove you away, but I don't know what it is that I said. Tell me John. Tell me what I said that was so wrong.

There. I finally admitted it. I was wrong. I don't know what I did that made you so upset that you decided to leave me, but whatever it was was wrong. I was wrong to have ever said it. I've admitted it John. I've admitted everything. Please come back. You have to come back to me.

I apologized John. You're supposed to come back when I apologize. I admitted I was wrong exactly 15 seconds ago and you still haven't returned after 7 days, 4 hours, 57 minutes, and 48 seconds. Why haven't you returned?

* * *

Just to let you guys know, Sherlock isn't actually talking to John throughout this. He is thinking this all in his mind, which is why John hasn't made any sort of answer to him. When the is talking there will be quotations. Otherwise all of it is in his head.

Thank you for reading.


	3. Feeling empty

I don't feel right John. I don't. I think I'm sick. Yes. That's right. I must be sick. That must be what this feeling is about. I'm sick John. I'm sick so now you have to come and help me because you're a doctor. You're a doctor and you have to heal the sick. I won't go to any other doctor. I could die from this sickness, but I will only let you treat me so you have to come and treat me. Why haven't you come yet? Why haven't you tried to heal me? Do you want me to die?

I will die without you John. I can't survive without you. I can't function. And every moment that I spend away from you is another moment for this sickness to get stronger inside of me. Is that what you want? Do you want me to die? That must be what you want since you still haven't come to help me.

I don't know what this feeling is John. It doesn't feel like any other sickness that I have ever had before. It just feels wrong. I feel like I'm dying, but there's nothing wrong with me. My body is perfectly healthy, but there is something wrong. I can feel it. My heart hurts constantly. I checked my pulse and there was nothing wrong, but it still hurts. I feel dizzy all the time; even after I've just eaten. But worst of all, worst of all my symptoms, is this feeling in my very core. I don't know how to explain it.

I think… I think it feels like something's missing. I feel empty. Is that possible John? Is it possible for me to feel empty just because you aren't here with me? I've heard of people feeling empty when they lose others, but there's always goes away after some time. Mine still hasn't gone away. I feel empty and I can't stop the feeling.

I've tried everything. I've tried everything that I could possibly think of to make the feeling go away. I even found my stash of drugs. No matter how much I took, I still felt empty. They always used to make me feel better before. Why aren't they making me feel better now?

You were too late John. You were supposed to come back before I found the drugs and stop me. You always did before. You always made sure that I stayed far away from drug dealers and anything else that could possibly make me relapse even though I was insistent that I had no plans to do so. I still won't John. I know that you don't want another person like your sister. You don't want another addict to take care of. I won't be a burden on you John. I promise I won't go back to drugs. They weren't helping me anyway. You're the only one who can help me with this sickness. You're the doctor. Come save me.

I don't like this feeling John. I don't like feeling empty. It's so strange. I don't like it. Make it stop. Come back and make it stop. You're the only one who can.

Others have tried to help me. Mrs. Hudson tried to spend several hours with me, but I think that she gave up when I ignored her the whole time. She used to promise me that you just needed time, that you would come back when you had some time to yourself. She used to promise me that every time she came up to feed me. She used to promise me, but now she just silently puts the tray in front of me and walks off. She's given up hope that you'll come back. She's given up hope on me. She's given up hope on us. I haven't though. I still believe that you will come back. You will because you have always been right there by my side and I don't think that now is any different. You just need some time to get over everything that I've done to you and then you'll be back by my side. I promise that when you come back I'll be kinder to you. I'll stop insulting you so much and I'll make sure never to say anything to make you cry again. I promise.

Lestrade came by with a case that he wanted me to help with. I'm sure it would have been extremely boring and not worth my time anyway, but I ignored him to. He begged me to get out of the house. He said something about how he knew that the case was going to be boring to me but that I had to get over it and move on. He said that he didn't think that you were ever coming back and that I just need to get over it. He doesn't know you though. You'll come back. And when you do I will be waiting right here on this sofa where I was when you left. I refuse to be out of this flat when you return.

Mycroft was the next one to visit me. He tried to demand that I move on. He said that you weren't coming back ever. He even tried to introduce me to someone else who fought in Afghanistan. I don't remember his name, but I think that Mycroft thought that he would be able to replace you. That could never happen. No one can replace you John.

The army doctor that Mycroft brought into my house stayed even after Mycroft left. I wonder how much Mycroft promised to pay the man to stay with me and spy on me. By the looks of the expensive watch that sat new on his right hand, which means that he's left handed just like you, its quite a large sum. He's nothing like you John. You would have never taken the money. You never did take the money.

I think that the presence of the new army doctor, who could never replace you, actually made me feel worse. He was gone by the fifth day. Apparently he was bothered by the fact that I don't talk for days on end. You were never bothered by that.

I'm glad that he's gone. I don't want him to be here when you return and you to think that I have replaced you. I can't it's impossible. You are my army doctor and my blogger. No one else can take that from you. From me. From us. Not even after 20 days, 10 hours, 13 minutes, and 43 seconds. Mycroft was a fool to think that he could even try.

John, when are you going to fill this emptiness inside of me again?


	4. You or me?

Did you leave me because of me John? Or did you just get tired of me? Maybe you hate me now. I don't understand John. I don't even remember who started our fight anymore. It was probably me. I start all of our fights. I know that I always blame them on you, but I also know that if it were up to you we would never get into fights. I think that you hate fights. Is it because I always say such horrible things to you when we fight? Probably. I'm a horrible person John. That must be why you left. I'll change though. I'll never insult you if you return to me. No. I'll never insult you when you return to me because I know that you will despite what Mycroft keeps telling me.

He's still trying to convince me that you are never going to come back. I wonder if he has you under surveillance even though he tells me that he doesn't. I wish that he did so that I could at least find you. Then I would be able to apologize properly. That's what you want isn't it? You want me to apologize. I'll apologize as many times as you want if you just come back John.

Come back to me John. Come back and prove to me that it isn't you or me that has pulled us apart. I know it must be me. I know it, but I want you to tell me that that isn't the case like you always do when you come home from a fight. You always return looking so apologetic for everything that we fought about and you always apologize to me even though I'm always the one who says such horrible things.

You've never said anything bad to me John. You would never say or do anything that was meant to hurt me in any sort of way. You usually just stand there and take all of the insults that I throw at you until you just can't take it anymore and you leave the house. I don't ever blame you, but you apologize anyway and I let you. Have I ever apologized to you John? Other than that one time when the only reason I was apologizing was because I wanted you to take part in my experiment I don't think that I have.

I'm such a horrible person John. No wonder you left me. There are so many things that I should be apologizing for that I have never even thought about it. You never ask from apologies from me. You always tell me to apologize to others whom I have insulted, but you have never asked me to apologize to you even though you are the one who really deserves them.

I don't care what you say when you return John; it is all my fault. I know that you're going to return and apologize for being away for so long and you'll feel awful when you return, but I won't let you. I'll fix everything. I'll tell you how much you really mean to me. I'll tell you how much I really need you in my life. I'll tell you about how all of my insults towards you have all been complete lies because I know that you are actually the exact opposite of what I have called you in our arguments. I will explain all of this to you and you will understand and you won't believe me, but you'll forgive me because I'll beg you to. You can never deny me anything anyway.

Is that why you left John? Because you can't deny me anything? That's nothing to be ashamed of. I like that you can't deny me anything. Well except for when I want you to leave me alone when you're trying to get me to sleep or eat.

Oh. Is that why you left me John? You finally realized that you didn't want to take care of me anymore? I'll take care of myself John. I promise I will. I'll eat three meals a day and I'll sleep at night just like you always say that you want me to. If you just come back now I'll do anything that you want me to even if it's as boring as eating and sleeping.

I don't want to be the reason that you left John. I know it's because of me, I know it's all my fault that you left, but I don't want it to be my fault. I want everything to be okay between us just like it was before. I want you to be by my side forever and always just like we promised.

Why aren't you keeping your promise John? This is all your fault. You shouldn't have left me. You shouldn't break your promises. I never thought you would be the type of man to do that, but apparently I was wrong. This is all your fault.

No. No, it's my fault. I know it's my fault. I shouldn't blame you for my faults. I know I always get mad at you because of them, but I shouldn't blame you for them. It's not your fault. It's my fault. It's all because of me.

I don't want it to be because of me that you left, but it is and I will do anything to get you back even if it means that I have to live a completely normal life while my brain rots with disuse. Will that make you come back to me John? I want you to come back. Please?


	5. I didn't mean it

I didn't mean what I said John. You must know that. I would never mean anything that I say that offends you. I was just upset. The words came out of my mouth before I could decide whether or not they were a bit not good. Usually you're the one who tells me those things anyways. I've gotten used to you being my conscious so it's hard when I talk to you because I don't have anyone to tell me that I'm being an idiot.

You must know that I lie all the time, John. It's part of my profession. I have to be one of the best liars in all of London to get what I want from the suspects. The best actor too. But sometimes it moves into my personal life. Sometimes I just can't stop myself from lying. I just can't stop and think about how much that would hurt the person that I'm talking to and that's why I need you here. I need you to tell me when I'm wrong.

Mycroft has tried to do it. He came again yesterday and I told him that he was gaining weight, almost five whole pounds in fact, and he told me that it wasn't polite to speak like that and that mummy would not be happy. I told him to piss off. You're the only one that I allow to scold me now. I don't even think that my own father can make me do what you can make me do.

Mrs. Hudson is close, but she only manages by nagging and getting me just after a good case. You can do it all the time. You can tell me that what I've said is a bit not good and then make me apologize to them. You haven't even allowed me to apologize to you John. You have to come back for me to be able to apologize to you. I'm waiting here on this sofa just like I have been for 13 days, 21 hours, 39 minutes, and 23 seconds. I'll apologize to you the moment that you walk through that door because I know that was I said was a bit not good and you'll smile and nod your head because you know that I never meant what I said. I could never mean any of it. Never. Never. Never.

Everyone thinks that I'm starting to get better because I've been insulting whoever comes through that door, but the truth is that I'm hoping that one day you'll follow them up and scold me for whatever I say to them. It hasn't happened yet, but I can still hope. You are the best at being my conscious after all John. What am I supposed to do without a conscious?


	6. You should know by now

I'm beginning to doubt you doctor. It's been a total of 17 days, 19 hours, 43 minutes, and 59 seconds and you still haven't returned. I thought you knew me John. You seemed to know me from the moment that we met each other. I was the one who told you about your whole history, but you seemed to know more about me in that single moment than anyone has in the whole time that I have known them. Well, at least everyone who isn't related to me. But still. You knew exactly how to treat me and how to act around me.

Sometimes I wondered if you had an ability to deduce, but you've always denied it. You've also proven to me that you are almost as bad as everyone else at deducing a crime scene, though you do ask all the right questions to help me do so. But I still wonder if you have the ability without knowing it. I've often noticed that you are like by everyone. You seem to always know how to treat someone from the moment that you see them. It's very slight, so small that I don't think anyone but me has noticed, but I've even seen you change your personality to suit whomever your talking to. It's not much of a change really. Just a little tilt in one direction or another.

Then you also change people to be the best that they can be. You've changed Sally. I don't know if you noticed, probably you are better at seeing the emotional aspects than I am, but she has finally broken up with Anderson. They got in a huge fight at the last crime scene we were at and the moment that you walked onto the scene they stopped. They know you don't like fighting within teams. They know all about your 'we are brothers in arms so we shouldn't fight' ideals.

You've even begun to change me John. I don't know how you've managed it when so many others have failed, but you have changed me. I'm not entirely sure if that's for better or for worse. Right now I'm inclined to think that it's for worse since you are no longer here and I really need you.

I need you.

It's because of all these facts that I think that you should now me by now. You were the one who knew me the best in the beginning and yet you didn't understand what I said. You didn't understand me. I don't understand what changed. Why couldn't you understand me anymore?

You should have. I've given you every hint as to my character. You are the one who's supposed to use those hints to deduce me. I can't everything for you John. You have to be able to do something for yourself. But I promise that I will try harder to explain myself more calmly next time. In a way that even your little brain can understand.

No. I can't say that. You won't understand me.

I can't do this John. I can't change what I say just so that you can understand me. I've tried, but my mind works to fast and I can never stop myself from speaking before insults come out of my mind. Usually I don't care, but I've seen the way it hurts you. I don't want to hurt you John. You should know that. You should know me after all this time that we've spent together. You should know me by now.


	7. Believe I'd be better without you

You should have never believed me John. I remember the words that were exchanged. How can I not? They seem to be at the forefront of my mind every time I try to think. When I try to enter my mind palace, the way is blocked by those words. The words that I spoke to make you leave me exactly 21 days, 18 hours, 59 minutes, and 1 second ago.

* * *

"_Sherlock this is ridiculous," you sighed, but I continued to ignore you. I was mad at him. I don't even remember what I was mad at you for John. I must have deleted it thinking that it was unimportant information soon after you walked out on me. I must have assumed that you would be coming back soon anyway and that I wouldn't even need to know. Besides the words that I spoke seem to be taking up way too much room to be putting anything else, whether important or not, along side them. "Would you just listen to me for once."_

"_I am listening to you John," I responded with a sneer. I shouldn't have sneered at you. I know that now, but I can't take it back anymore._

"_No your not," you sighed exasperatedly. I don't know why, but that made me even madder at you. _

"_I am not a child John," I glared at you, but you hold your ground. You're a soldier after all, a danger chasing soldier at that, so not even I can frighten you when it comes to things like this. "I do not need you here to be my nanny. If I wanted someone to do that for me, I would just call Mrs. Hudson."_

"_Mrs. Hudson already does enough stuff for you as it is," you pointed out. "She can't be your nanny too, so it seems that the task falls to me because you seem to need one Sherlock. You never take care of yourself so someone needs to do it and I'm willing because I'm your friend."_

"_I don't have friends," I growled at you. It's a familiar taunt and, even though I know it still affects you, you've grown so used to it that you barely wince. It's the next words that I said that really ruined everything. Why did they have to be the ones that you chose to actually believe John? Why couldn't you just let them slide off your back with an apology just like all the other insults that I've thrown at you? Why did I even think to say these words? "Really John. Can't you see that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself without you? I was managing it just fine before you came you know. And then I was doing an impeccable job of taking care of myself without you those three years." I know that's a sore subject for both of us, but I was upset and I wanted to hurt you so I brought up that short period of time when I was away and you let your own health slip. "In fact, since you are the one who allowed yourself to become unhealthy while I was away, I would say that it is actually you who needs me. I don't need you. You do nothing for me on my cases. And you only nag at me when we are in the flat together. Frankly John, it is starting to get on my nerves and it's distracting me from my work. I'd be better off without you and all your nagging."_

_Those words. Those were the words that made you freeze for mere moments before you turned around and went upstairs. I could see your shoulders shaking as you fought back the sobs that I know were racking your body. I don't know why you let that affect you so much John, but you went up the stairs and I didn't stop you because I was still mad._

* * *

And you believed every bloody word that came out of my mouth. I've already mentioned how much of a liar I am, John, but I think that I should also let you know that I am also quite a cruel person. I choose to hurt others whenever I am hurt. I don't think that you know that, yes, it is a conscious decision for me to point out everyone's flaws when I'm upset. I don't think anyone knows, but I'm telling you now.

Why is it that you just had to believe me when I was upset? Why is it that the words that were aimed to hurt you just enough to make me feel better seems to have just made everything worse. Instead of that anger that I felt when I was talking to you, I feel another emotion that I've only felt very rarely in my lifetime. I've only felt this way at both my mother's and my father's funeral. I don't understand why I feel it now since I know you aren't dead. You can't be dead. I'd know about it if you were dead or hurt. Wouldn't I?


	8. You never knew me

I've decided John. I've decided that you must have never known me at all. If you can't deduce how much I miss you, how much I need you here right now, then you know absolutely nothing about me. I must say John that I am rather disappointed in you. I thought you were much smarter than this. I thought that you might have had some skill of deducing, though definitely not as much as me, but after the time, 1 month 3 days 23 hours 19 minutes and 39 seconds, that has passed I am beginning to doubt my stupid assumptions severely. It seems that you were more idiotic than I believed. I think you might not even be able to reach Lestrade's level at this point. You might even be on _Anderson's _level.

I don't know how I missed it. I don't know how you actually made me believe that you had any sort of smart brain cells in your body. It should have been obvious from the moment I met you that you weren't special, but something about you…I don't know how to say it. Either way I should have never invited you into sharing a flat with me. I never intended to share a flat with anyone. The only reason that I commented about it to Stamford was because I wanted the bloody annoyance to leave me alone, but then he had to meet him that very same day in a coincidence that I should have overlooked. But I didn't and I allowed an idiot into my home. What a sore mistake that was.

I could have picked any random army doctor that I bloody well wanted. I didn't even need a doctor. I could have just picked a soldier. Maybe he would have been less adamant about me paying attention to my _health. _It would have been much easier to focus then and he would have been just as good a sidekick as you. I can still do it you know. I'll just walk up to some random soldier on the street that is missing the war and ask him to join me. It is entirely possible. I am not as dependent on you as you seemed to think. Or maybe you didn't think that since you left me here by myself.

I hate you.

* * *

Hey guys. I'm sorry it took so long to post this chapter. I got swamped with homework and before I knew it a lot of time passed. This is just a short filler chapter for now. We'll be getting to the really good stuff soon. I hope you enjoy this story so far and will continue to read it. Thank you


	9. If you believe

I'm so sorry John. I didn't mean anything that I said 13 days, 21 hours, 39 minutes, and 59 seconds ago. Please disregard it. It was a moment of weakness brought on by your failure to return. No. Don't believe that. It was just a moment of weakness where I was stupid enough to doubt you. Rest assured that it will never happen again. I promise. I won't ever doubt you. You have to believe this. This one thing I want you to believe. Please do this for me John. Please believe this one truth that I'm telling you.

When you come back, because I know that you will once I have found a way to convince you to, I will never make any of the comments that I made when I was previously talking to you. Especially not the one about you being as stupid as _Anderson. _I don't even know why such an insult came to my mind. There is simply no way that you could actually be as dull as _Anderson. _You are so much more interesting than that and I will admit that you can be smart in your own way.

Also, I don't think I'd be able to get along with just any old soldier. I'm sure that I could find one who would be willing to join me on my cases, but I think that you are the only one who I would ever allow into my home. I wouldn't have invited any old soldier to live with me. Or any human being in general. Mrs. Hudson, of course, does not count since she is my landlady, but no one else has ever been allowed to live in my flat with me. I know that you have always assumed that I am the one to always get kicked out by my roommates or that I drive said roommates away, but the truth is that I just never allowed anyone to live with me. I even left my house filled with my family as soon as I was able.

You are special though John. I can live with you. I don't know how I knew that you would be different, but I know that somehow or another I would be able to live with you. Not some random soldier I met on the streets, but an army doctor who came into Bart's talking about how it's, "A bit different from my day," and then nonchalantly allowed me to deduce your whole life story. Of course, you didn't know at the time that that was what I was doing when you handed me your phone, but you complimented me later when I made you aware of my deductions. And then you _stayed. _

That's why you were the perfect flat mate, John. It had to be you. So don't believe anything that I've ever said about how I don't need you in the flat or that I was never looking for a flat mate.

Well I guess the bit about not really looking for a flat mate is true. I wasn't, well at least not consciously, but when you walked into the room I knew that it had to be you. I didn't need anyone to live with me, but I wanted you to live with me. I wasn't looking for a flat mate, but I wanted you to be my flat mate. I wasn't looking for a partner to work with while on case, but I need you there to help me out. I wasn't looking for so many things, but you gave them all to me.

I could list all the things that you have been for me that I didn't think I needed right now, but I know that you wouldn't like me to. Every time I try to bring up such a subject, you start to get all upset and storm out of the room. Of course you can't hide the fact that you blush as you make your way out of the room. I know you don't believe me when I talk about these things, I've noticed that you never really believe anyone who compliments you, but you really should. This is one of those things that I wish you would believe me when I say them to you. Why is it that you always seem to believe the bad things that I say and do, but you never believe the good things? I've actually had to formulate on more than one occasion a random reason for doing something nice, usually I can just use the excuse that it's an apology for something that I did earlier that day since I always seem to be doing something to upset you, even though the true reason is because I actually wanted to be nice to you. You would never go for that, though, because for some reason that I will never understand you think that you are unworthy of compliments. Sometimes I even see you looking at me like you think that you are unworthy to be in my company.

Is that why you still have yet to return? Do you still believe that useless notion that you are unworthy of me? That can never be the case John. If anyone is unworthy right now, it is I. After all the things that I've said to you, all the times that I've hurt you, I should be the one who stays away because I am unworthy.

I can't do that, though. I can't stay away from you. I need you. Your light is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going. The only reason that I haven't fallen this whole time that you've been away is because I'm looking forward to seeing your light once again. Your beautiful light.

You don't know this John, but sometimes when you're in just the right mood, your light radiates off of you and it actually makes you glow. I'm going to tell you that when you come back. You won't believe me of course, but I want you to know just how much you mean to me. I'll tell you about that and all the other things that I love about you as soon as you return.


	10. Not thinking about you

"_Where are you going?" I asked with a raised eyebrow as I watched you walk down the stairs. It had been a whole hour since the fight that I spoke such horrible things to you and there were fresh tear stains on your face, but I chose to ignore them. At that moment guilt was the last thing that I wanted to feel so I just pushed it to the back of my mind and examined the bag you were holding so that I wouldn't have to think about your tears anymore. "An overnight bag. Staying at Sarah's for the night then John?"_

"_No," was your only reply as you continued your walk over to the door. Even though you kept your response short, I could deduce far more in your voice then you wanted me to. You were still holding back tears. That hour of crying upstairs wasn't enough for you. You've been holding back for so long that my words affected you more than either of us would have liked and you don't like people to see you so weak. I don't know why I thought you'd go to Sarah in that state, but I guess I was hoping it would be there since that's the only place that I know where to go if I need you. Not that either of you know that I know where she lives, but I do and that's all that matters. Besides, I don't really know where else you would go. There's really no other place that I can think of that would make you feel safe, other than at 221B Baker St. _

_You stopped at the door and I continued to stare at you. For once in the amount of time that we've been together, I couldn't deduce anything about you. No matter what I looked at on your person, everything came up as question marks. Even the things that I already knew about you seemed to be eluding my deductions and I don't know if it was because you were so upset or because I was._

"_Sherlock," you said without looking back at me. I know you couldn't at the time. You felt weak and you didn't want to show that side of yourself to me, but you knew that you had to say whatever you were about to say._

"_What?" I snapped back. You flinched at my tone and your back drew up in what I recognized as your defensive soldier position, but your lowered head suggested that you felt defeated. I couldn't tell anything from your posture. I was getting all of the usual hints, but none of it was clicking for some reason._

"_Please don't worry about me," you said._

"_What a stupid thought John," I growled back. I don't even know what my thought process was behind those words, but something into the back of my chest twinged with a pain that I didn't recognize and I didn't like it so I lashed out at you again. "I wasn't even thinking about you." _

_Suddenly, your whole posture changed and I don't even want to recall what it looked like. I've never seen you so beaten before in my life. Not even when you walked into Bart's with a can and a psychosomatic limp, did I see you so hurt as you were at that moment. So utterly defeated. _

"_I'll see you tomorrow," you whispered before you opened the door and walked out. _

_It was only then that I truly felt guilty. It was only at the moment that you left that I realized that the way that I acted was completely unnecessary and that you clearly did not deserve all that I gave you during our argument. But this realization came much too slowly. By the time that it hit me and I ran down the stairs to apologize to you and call you back into the flat so that I could make you a nice cup of tea, it was already too late and you had already disappeared to some place that I was unaware of._

_The only thing that I could hope for was that you would keep your promise of seeing me the next day._

* * *

But you lied to me John. You didn't come back the next day like you said you would. It has already been 2 months, 1 day, 14 hours, 58 minutes, and 38 seconds and you still have not returned despite the fact that you promised that you would return the next day.

Very well John, if you cannot keep your promises then I am not obliged to keep mine.

I've found a new dealer in town. I'm going to test his product. It won't be much different than my usual stuff, but you knew how there all cut with different products and that makes them different.

You know I'm lying don't you John? The truth is that my original dealer wouldn't sell anything to me. He told me that he knew what happened between us and that he wouldn't let me overdose like so many of the people that have lost someone special. He talked to me like you were dead, John, but he doesn't know anything. You're not dead. You just haven't returned yet. I am beginning to believe, however, that he was correct in assuming that you would never be coming back. In all honesty, I think I knew it was the case over a month ago, but I held onto the belief that you would never abandon me like this. You would never go against your word and not return when you said you would return. Well, you would never go against your word intentionally. I am quite aware of the fact that you have been late on several accounts for varying reasons, but you always apologize the moment you do arrive.

I thought that maybe that was the case. Maybe you were just held up by something really important. Maybe your sister is going through detox and you want to be there for her. Maybe there was a death in the family and you had to go to the funeral and mourn with some family members for a while. Maybe there was a deadly illness that you went off to help with and you have been unable to contact me.

All excuses that I have been telling myself. All of them so stupid. The fact is, John, that you broke your promise of returning so now I'm going to return the favor. You always did hate it when I took drugs didn't you? Well now get a taste of your own medicine John.

…

It's getting dark. Something's wrong. I didn't take enough for it to be affecting me this much. I usually don't even take this little. I usually take so much more than this. Why…is it…affecting…me… …John…?

"Sherlock!"


	11. Wrong truth

It's so bright. Where am I? I'm not in 221B Baker Street. No! No! I have to go back to our apartment building. If you come back and I'm not there you might think that I was telling you the truth about not needing you. I can't let that happen. I have to go.

"Whoa," Lestrade says as he pushes me back down onto the bed. "You shouldn't be moving quite yet. They had to pump your stomach. Apparently the drugs that you took were tainted. We've been trying to find the guy that's selling them for a while since they've actually led to the death of several people already. You're lucky Mrs. Hudson came up to see you or we might not have found you until you were dead."

"I have to go back home," I answer. I don't care about all that stuff. I just want to be home when John gets there so I can apologize and make sure that John never leaves me again.

"You've barely even left your flat," Lestrade rolls his eyes. "I've called you to come on several cases with me, but you stay in doors all the time. You need to get over it and get out of the house."

"Please don't inflict your stupid opinions on me," I say in my normal haughty voice. I can't let him know how affected I am by this. I have to keep up appearances. "I need to go back so that when John returns I can apologize to him."

"What?" Lestrade's eyes widen.

"Yes," I say with annoyance. "I'm waiting for John to return. Is that really so hard for your stupid mind to comprehend."

"No," Lestrade mutters. "No you're wrong. Oh god, you thought that he just left. I thought you knew the truth."

"Knew what?" I ask suspiciously. Were they withholding information about John from me this whole time? Of course they were. Damn it, I should have known. I should have gone to them sooner.

"John is dead Sherlock," Mycroft enters the room with his usual heir of superiority.

My mind stops. John is dead? How is that possible? How have I not heard anything about it? What happened to him? Why wasn't I there to protect him? Oh god! John is dead. "How?" I barely manage that one word because my throat seems to be constricting and cutting off most of my air supply.

"We don't actually know if he's dead," Lestrade sighs as he glares at my brother. "He was kidnapped just outside of 221B Baker Street some time ago, but we haven't been able to locate him. We've had to classify him as dead."

He's not dead. He's just missing. He's not dead. He was just kidnapped. Kidnapped right outside of our flat. How could I let this happen? Damn it! How could I not know? "Why didn't you tell me this sooner?" I demand.

"We thought that you knew," Lestrade mumbles. "We thought that's why you had been so upset this whole time."

"How would I know?" I growl. I'm not psychic no matter what the people at Scotland Yard think.

"You're brother was the one who reported the kidnapping," Lestrade replies. "We thought that he told you."

"I thought it was best to keep it a secret," Mycroft shrugs. "I knew that this would happen if you knew." He motions all around me to imply that I would be in the hospital.

"I could have found him by now," I growl back. How dare they keep this a secret from me? If John dies it will be all their fault. But I won't let that happen. I'm going to find you before that happens. I promise.

"How long ago did he go missing?" I ask Lestrade. My brother is no longer worthy of the little attention that I used to give him. It will be his fault if John dies.

"Sherlock," Mycroft tries to warn, but I ignore him as I usually do.

"How long?" I ask again.

Lestrade sighs and takes out the little notebook that he keeps notes in. He flipped to a page and said, "It's been about two months."

Oh god. You did come back the next day like you promised you would, but I was so angry that I didn't even notice that you were being kidnapped just outside the door. I'm sorry John. I'm so sorry. I'm going to fix this. I'm going to save you. Don't worry John. I'm going to find you.

* * *

Be honest, who all saw that one coming?


End file.
